Identity
I’ve been thinking about identity a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ve been uneasy yet joyful. Anxious, but optimistic, and now that these words are pouring out of me, I feel a sense of peace. Let’s get into it. Why is it that humans derive their meaning from the most trivial sources? I’ve also been thinking about the words of Malcolm X, “Who taught you to hate yourself from the top of your head to the soles of your feet? Who taught you to hate your own kind? Who taught you to hate the race that you belong to? So much so that you don't want to be around each other?” Is it because of mom & dad? Culture & upbringing? Society? Perhaps all of the above, but mostly I wonder why humans get so caught up in how they think life is supposed to be instead of letting life unfold as it inevitably will.
I am only speaking for myself, and when I see what’s happening in our world, it’s nothing new, but at the same time, how have we not learned our lesson? If God is love, and if you know love, you know God, yet why do folks use religious doctrine as a weapon against each other and justify it on the grounds of divinity? This is not what Jesus was about. During my PhD studies, I went to a Catholic school because I thought, why not talk about faith in school? It wasn’t forced on us, though; in fact, we were purposefully encouraged to learn about other faiths. I had to write about my experience at a Jewish temple, and I went to a Buddhist monastery; thus began the undoing. There are universal truths and common denominators amongst all faiths. What I don’t understand is the extremities that have inevitably come about throughout the course of history. According to Parrillo (2008):
Religious extremism is a radicalized and intolerant viewpoint that typically sanctions the use of violence to promote a defined, religiously motivated political agenda. Religious extremist groups share several interlocking characteristics. Among the most important are a sense of persecution, a sense of injustice suffered at the hand of a larger force or ideological entity (such as secularism, the state, a colonial power, or an invading military force), a perceived lack of cultural or political control over one's preferred way of life, a perceived loss of traditional values and mores, and finally, the idea that sacrifice is necessary to achieve the ends of the group. Religious extremists usually do not identify themselves as extremist. Rather, they identify themselves alternatively as victims, defenders, and saviors.
I myself perhaps was guilty of this, being from Texas, and I am not trying to offend, shame, or neglect my upbringing, because it gave me so much however, I can recall the days of going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays thinking that the Christian faith was the only truth that could ever exist and I while I’ve never looked down on anyone or probably endeavored not to, at the same time there were a couple of moments where I was unkind or felt I was superior because of my faith when I was younger. I’m also not attempting to condemn or criticize someone else’s spiritual or religious beliefs. I am only holding myself accountable for the past behavior that kept me from loving others as I love myself. This meant a lot of social unlearning and undoing, and I am beyond grateful for folks who saw past my behavior then or naivety because they could still see my heart. Thus, it’s through them I learned about grace.
I’m also thankful for that little kid deep inside of me that’s still curious. Still wanting to learn, still wanting to explore, and still wanting to course correct because I don’t want to live out of alignment with myself anymore. My true self is a lover and also a fighter. Which, I’ve had to harness and learn to frame my words over time to get my confusion across, and I hate that it’s come at the expense of losing folks, but then again, if there was a lesson to learn and I grew from it. I don’t consider it a total loss, and while I can’t speak for others I may have wronged, I hope they knew I wasn't malicious in intent. I was trying to fix a problem or a pattern I noticed. Mostly, I was aware that I felt hurt in some way, and I wanted clarity, I wanted understanding. Sometimes it came, and sometimes it didn’t, and while learning to be ok without it was difficult, and sometimes it still is. I could never bring myself to treat them the same or seek vengeance, at least not once I learned from my mistakes. Which leads me to this: I could never hold hatred in my heart.
I am not a Buddhist expert, but from what I do know, it is believed that humans cause most of their own suffering through attachment to things, experiences, possessions, and even people. Also, faith/spirituality, depending on one’s viewpoint, could also be something entirely on its own, but for me, maybe the two are correlated. Just my theory, but merely because I haven’t conducted formal research, but I do think there is some correlation with Attachment Theory, depending on how we were raised. In an article by Farley (2018), Attachment theory is described as “Attachment behavior system is an important concept in attachment theory because it provides the conceptual linkage between ethological models of human development and modern theories on emotion regulation and personality.” This is just one theory that explains why trauma tends to manifest in our relationships, whether they’re work, platonic, or romantic.
I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know that I want to. I don’t know that I ever want to be right either. The world, this universe, is so vast, it’s impossible to know everything and everything. We’re always changing, progressing at least the better of us (also not sh*tting on others who are unaware or lost). We’re supposed to evolve, we’re supposed to grow. Identity is narrative, always in flux.
I recall the days of living in Texas, when I knew my purpose in life was bigger than me, and I never understood it. There was this one day, I was having a conversation with my mom, and I said, “Mom, I’m star. I’m destined for big things. I want to save the world.”…the next thing I said was that I wanted to get back into acting. “Ayy Sarita, girl, you’re getting your PhD. I thought teaching was your thing.” “It is, but I am meant for the stage or film.” “I want to help people. No one is going to take me seriously unless I become a Doctor”. I remember being somewhere in my mid-20s and being afraid of the “spotlight” or living my life under a microscope. I still am because, well, people can be so nosy, and as humans, we tend to always compare instead of exploring ourselves. At the same time, I have nothing to hide.
I’m not afraid of the dark; it's kind of fun because, well, sometimes we need that, whether we realize it or not, it also doesn’t have to mean that it’s scary. We need a pause, we need reflection, we need a chance to look at ourselves and say, “ Hey, this isn’t working. How can I fix it?” I think the question “we,” or humans, must continue to answer is: how can I help myself first before others? I also don’t mean that in an egotistical way, but change comes through the self first before expanding outward. My prayer is that we all do our part not to be afraid of our past, but rather to look within ourselves to find the courage to keep moving forward, one day, sometimes even one hour or minute at a time. Little things often add up to big results.
I can’t help but wonder what would change if we all looked inward from time to time to examine our own identity? Maybe we would find that, so often, a lot of what’s wrong is that we allow false narratives and stereotypes to go unchallenged, taking them as truth and never bothering to question them. Questioning is a positive thing. It means there is always better, it means there’s always room, or possibility. Questioning is what leads humans to search for a better life. It also says, “How can I become my authentic self?” It also asks, “Who was I before the world got hold of me?”
Leadership is not easy. It’s HARD. It requires that a leader look at themselves too. It means we can fall short of expectations or disappoint. It requires that we hold a mirror not only to society, but also to ourselves. How easy it is for some to just abandon themselves completely. Or it also means that something has to change. Humans are too prone to avoid that which we don’t know, and why? We get comfortable. There is, to a certain degree, an amount of grief, loss, and pain associated with letting go of the old, but it doesn’t have to consume you.
The world at the moment is too caught up in its old ways, and they have got to go. I’m finding myself surprisingly grateful beyond what I thought I could be for this turbulent time. I just hate that so many are hurting and unnecessarily suffering at the hands of corruption and greed. It has to STOP now. Whatever divination is at play, and maybe it’s all of the spiritual beings intervening on our behalf, thank you for this identity crisis; we need it desperately. This is not normal. My prayer is that this paves the way for something new, healthier, and better for us all. May this all inspire us to look inward and change what’s not working within us before we can see it outside of ourselves. Mostly, I pray that we learn to return to love and live with each other despite our differences, constructs, and limiting beliefs that hold us back. May we be open to changing identity and unafraid of change, or building something new. Let’s GO!
I’m about to sound really Mexican, but I don’t give f*ck…but if we can win every game in this World Cup so far. Humans can do anything. And, more importantly, if the Knicks can win the NBA championship for the first time in 53 years, ANYTHING is possible despite adversity. ¡Con fuerza adelante nos vamos!
References:
Farly, R. (2018). Adult Attachment Theory and Research. https://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.html
(2008). Religious extremism. In V. N. Parrillo (Ed.) Encyclopedia of social problems (Vol. 2, pp. 773-775). SAGE Publications, Inc., https://doi.org/10.4135/9781412963930.n467