My Upside Down
Greetings, friends - I just realized the title of this can be taken in so many ways. BUT I’m specifically referring to the time I am living in. A moment when nothing makes sense, and I don’t know who the heck is running this sh*t show. A time when the foolish are considered the experts, and the actual experts who went to school are considered threats. Still, in spite of the bs, there is something about this moment in time, I can’t help but feel inspired. Considering all that is wrong with the world, lately I’ve been blessed enough to find everything else that’s right with it. Mi querida homeland will soon have universal healthcare! Claudia is killing it! I adore her, she’s SO strong! But then again, Mexicanos are stronger than the world gives us credit for. I see so much Latino visibility now more than ever, which is exciting!
I talked about having a dream to get you through in my last blog, but maybe it’s also about just celebrating who you are, despite naysayers. I admire the Black community so much for this; they’re always so full of life. They’ve taught me so much, and I was delighted to learn recently that Mexico was a refuge for them during the days of the underground railroad.
Am I crazy for wanting to celebrate life? Is it the weather, or the way that NYC has its magic about itself? I don’t know, but I find myself completely taken by the city again. Lately, I’ve just let the days take me, and I’m having a ball. I don’t know how I’ve managed to find adventure again. I used to think that 40 meant a lot of things. I had to have a house, be married, be a mom, and all of the other things women are “supposed” to do. I don’t own, nor can I identify with, any of the aforementioned labels. I’m not at all where I thought I would be. In many ways, it’s better.
I remember in 2020, during the first sh*t show, I was terrified of what would happen when COVID first hit. I was one of the first to get the OG strain. Leadership! Kidding, but I remember getting and talking to God about it, “God, if I get it, let it be gentle, so I can help others with my experience.” When I got it, it terrified me, and yet I talked to God again and said, “I have things to do, and it is not how it ends for me! I haven’t even helped the world heal as much as I desire to!” Bold, I know. But then again, is there any other way to live? Even when I fail, I love failing gloriously; it teaches me something new.
No one escapes this world unscathed. We all have something. We can either do one of two things: let it hold us back, or let it be the fire that fans the flame of our willingness to keep living and loving no matter how dark it gets. I had a moment (I’ve been having a lot of those lately) while I was walking home when I thought to myself, I would be lost without the city, it’s given me so much. And just when I thought my time here was up, it pulled me back in.
Is it the weather? Or, the fact that I refuse to harden my heart? I don’t know, but lately the vibe in the city has been like how NYC always was. Up for anything, or ok, this is what we’re doing today, cool. That whole like, well, I didn’t expect to see that today, nor was it on my bingo card, but we’ll take it, or just when you think you’ve seen it all, I always seem to stand corrected. The way that you can leave your house, and you just don’t know what’s gonna happen! How did I get so routine? I’m like, wait, just because I’m 40, that doesn’t mean I have to be boring. I didn’t have plans tonight, but oh, did plans have me unexpectedly.
I am loving how, despite the bs, life is still surprising me in the best way possible! It’s 1:11 a.m., an angel number, and in this moment, I know I’m blessed. I don’t know how, but I’ll take it. I read something today on IG (I almost want to hang my head in shame bc I know better, since I teach a course on digital media, I digress) that said, “When you hit 40, if you’ve dealt with yourself, you get the next 40 years to yourself,” and that hit so hard tonight. I honestly have been feeling like I GET TO live again, this time on my terms and no one else’s; not society’s, my cultural upbringing, or anything. I’m still always dumbfounded by how I’m still here, but maybe this is my reward? I don’t know. What I do know is that no matter how sour life gets, you can’t give up on it either. Even better, in the next 40 years and beyond, I GET TO live them peacefully, I really love myself, and I’m free! Free mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically from all of the emotional baggage I used to carry. Maybe this is life’s true reward.
Yes, structures are crumbling, because maybe they need to be. Let’s be honest here, did they work before? I want to see everyone win. And yes, there is so much uncertainty in the world, too, but then again, is anything in life ever a guarantee? No. The oligarchs may have the money, but they could never have our spirit. I believe in humanity so much! If the world crashes down, I also have so much faith in humankind. The fact that I still get to experience it all, no matter what it looks like, is something I’m so grateful for. I think, out of all the cultural gifts that have been passed down to me, this one is my favorite. I love being Mexican-American, even though I never truly fit in either world; I fit in the one I have created for myself, based on my family’s philosophies and outlook on life. I think my favorite gift of all the ones they gave me is laughter. Ah, what a time to be Latina and ALIVE despite it all! I’m truly humbled and grateful.
