Staying Alive
Before I begin, I must state for the record, the title of this post is in no way correlated to the Bee Gees’ hit song (but if the shoe fits, who am I to stop you?). Now, if you still feel inclined to read the ramblings of this fabulous forty-year-old Latina, well then, bienvendios! Welcome! l I had a moment today while I was sitting in acting class when I thought to myself, “Eek, one more day closer to the dream!”, and then I also thought, “Childhood me would be so proud!”. If someone had told me that I’d be a Doctor one day, living in New York City, win Best Actress 5x for my role in my self-produced film, and somehow also find stand-up comedy, I never would have believed you. Like, no, “Get out of town, stop. You’re just trying to pull a fast one over me”. And yet here I am. I don’t know how.
While I have been sick with allergies lately, my eyes still cannot help but water when I think about all of the sh*t I had to go & grow through to get here. Losing Dad at 9 years old, never really taking the time to process my emotions, because Latinos aren’t taught that. Let alone we as humans, are told they’re taboo. Naturally, the inevitable toll of grief held me hostage, and I sometimes resorted to coping mechanisms that didn’t serve me, but I still came out the other side, somewhat intact. My heart is still open & I’d like to think I’m a relatively good person (not perfect, but close, I’m working on it & me!) I think this is what I’m most proud of. Am I a lot? No, not for the right people. I’m perfect as I am, and for those who think I’m a lot, well, you’re missing out. I mean, I do own my sh*t too, which these days, this kind of honesty is a commodity. If I could bottle up and sell it…nah, just kidding, I’m not a greedy capitalist. Although if I somehow get paid for being honest and teaching, through my art rather than in a classroom, about how much better we can be as humans, then I do deserve to get paid for it, right? I believe we call this alignment.
Even now, with the world on fire, and my country being the laughing stock of the world, I think to myself, this is it. This is the dream; there is no one day, or maybe later, it’s happening right now, so I have to make it count. You really need to stop your bitching, even if your neighbors won’t stop stomping on your ceiling. STAY FOCUSED. I was walking to an open mic today, and I thought, “Wow, Ceballos, you’re doing it. You’re f-ing getting ‘your reps in’ and look at you still pressing toward something that terrifies you!” I don’t even know how I’m this far into being a comedian. It feels weird to say that, I’m still not even used to calling myself Doctor. Eight years later, I’m just like, yeah, I’m smart AF, but I’m not a know-it-all. I don’t want to be. How boring would life be if I ran out of stuff to learn? My time on this planet is limited; I want to learn and experience as much as I can. I digress, but I’ll never forget this day back in 2023, there I was rehearsing with actors who so kindly volunteered to be in my variety show to help me raise funds for my short film. I was practicing being an MC when, after we were done, an open mic happened to start afterward. I thought to myself, “That f-ing terrifies me, but it’s also how hard could I be? I think I’m funny, I’m full of sh*t most of the time, but why not just try it? So I did & it felt like living to me! That whole adrenaline rush, I thought, “I want to do THAT again!” It wasn’t until the end of 2024, after I did my first stand-up showcase for class, that I picked it up again, and I guess the rest is history…or is it herstory? (Insert female nail polish emoji).
I don’t know whether I chose my dreams when I discussed with God/the Universe what my assignment on this planet is, or if my dreams chose me, but I’m so in love with them. I am my happiest self when I’m being creative. Then again, on the flip side, it feels wrong to be this happy given what my fellow Americans, especially my querida gente Latino, are experiencing with the ICE raids, and the number of lives lost at their hands, too. This war we didn’t agree to, inflation is continually rising, many are living in debt, and struggling to make ends meet, but at this rate, it is my dreams that are helping me to stay alive, because how else does one survive this level of insanity? I’m also still allowed to have joy in my life. I’m starting to remember this more often without shaming myself, growth!
It means more to me now, especially more than anything. I want to entertain because the world is hurting so much. I’m not even sure who I’m writing this for, but there is no rehearsal. This is it. I may rehearse for fictitious worlds, or perhaps re-create the truth of classical works of literature and poetry, dedicating my entire being and livelihood to them because it is those worlds we create that remind us of our humanity. To remind us of what’s important and it’s each other. We are what makes this whole f*cking thing worthwhile, we HAVE to start acting like that, otherwise it’s game over. I just can’t live not knowing that there wasn’t something I could have done to help. We have to do better. I want better for you. I don’t even know you, but I probably love you, or even if we’re not compatible, I still want to see you win at life. Oh my gosh, I can’t even believe I almost forgot, oops! What kind of millennial would I be if I forgot to quote the G.O.A.T. himself, my guy Tupac, who famously said, “Just because you lose me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gain an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.”
I hope this inspires someone to do the right thing or go take a chance on something they’ve always wanted to do, because we are certainly not getting the time back. Go after your dreams now! Whatever your dream is, enjoy it. Not every day will be the same, nor will it be easy; nothing ever is, but we have to make the best of it. Life is perhaps even more precious now than it was before, so we have to keep love in our hearts, even if we have to love from a distance, because anything else is just not worth it, it really isn’t. Maybe this is the key to staying alive, and taking it one step at a time.
