Cold Spring Thoughts
I wrote this on the train coming back from Cold Spring last night…
The moments in life that catch me off guard are my favorite. I don’t mean the moments that would have sent older versions of me abandoning myself, but I am referring to the moments where, for a brief moment, it all makes sense. The moments of reprieve, the moments where I can hear the beating of my own heart and the sounds of my thought patterns, and for a moment I’m whole again.
I’ve been thinking about my childhood lately & how far I’ve come since. I was chatting with a dear one when I said, “I love ‘Finding Nemo‘…he had a gimpy fin & I love that!” Followed by “It’s like I’m gimpy since I’ve had to navigate more of my life without a father than with one”, My story as I’ve learned is not unique in the sense that there are far too many who are growing up & have grown up without a parent or both but I can be grateful for the fact that no matter how dark the hour was I didn’t let it get the best of me.
I hope I get it “right”, whatever that means. Mostly, I just hope I leave the world better for generation. I hope that I don’t miss the mark in that regard.
Sometimes I wonder if I really did choose NY or if the city & state somehow chose me? Was this always my destiny? How did I get here? The girl- excuse me, the woman who came here almost nine years ago is not who I am today. I am grateful for my growth and inner evolution as a human being. I’m not entirely sure it would have happened the way it needed to had I stayed home in Texas, or if I played it safe & not found the courage to chase my dreams.
Despite how messy it is these days to be human, I wouldn’t want to miss it. As this new chapter of life has only just begun, my prayer is that I keep choosing love, even when it’s hard. That’s when it hit me; I realized also in that moment that often the dream is about who you become in the process. Another dear one of mine asked me on the actual day of my birthday, “What do you want to happen in a year?” I said my goals out loud, and I was specific so they must come to be. I’m having fun regardless. Yet, my heart still aches for the atrocities happening in my country. While I understand human nature, that does not mean I have to agree with capitalism and financial gain at the expense of my fellow Americans, and more importantly, my Latino community, immigrants, or other marginalized communities.
Still, in this moment, I am reminded of what matters most in life. If only Labor Day came more than once a year, imagine! In the words of my late Mama Dolly, “Don’t get so busy building a life that you forget to make a livin’.
God bless Cold Spring, NY. What a magical little oasis outside of the city I didn’t know I needed until now. Maybe that’s it; maybe the key to life (or at least one of them) is to spend as much time with nature as possible. It’s the one thing that will never ask anything from you or of you or try to monetize that which is sacred in life.”
Edit 9/6/26 - 11:16 am
I woke up in a peaceful mood, more so than I have in a while. Something shifted yesterday, or maybe it’s me who’s slightly different than who I was before, no longer ruled by my wounds- some that happened beyond my control and some I maybe could have avoided had I not self-sabotaged certain things or relationships out of childhood trauma. I used to wonder if my journey would be different, as I mentioned earlier, had I stayed in TX. A few days ago, I recalled thinking in the shower (lots of good thinking gets done there; for some, it’s the throne) when I remembered something: “We’re always one thought, or one choice away from a different life.”
I spent my waking moments of this morning mostly thanking the divine for another day of life, the spontaneous day trip I took yesterday, and surprisingly my morning doom scroll (I know! I know! I teach a course on digital culture and I’m fully aware of how these apps are maliciously designed for monetization or cognitive manipulation); however, this morning I’d like to think of what I read as a glimmer! It said, “What a blessing it is to see some pieces of my old prayers scattered everywhere”. Lately, I have been thanking God/the divine/source/the universe for my unanswered prayers. Some I held onto a little too tightly, or rather, my heart did. It still does, in a way, but I don’t let old desires stop me from living my life or being happy. Nor do I try to control things as much. Who knew I’d be sitting here typing away about life beyond survival mode? The next meme I looked at said, “What a privilege it is to become the woman younger you would have gone to for advice,” and that’s when I felt a wave of peace wash over me. How lucky am I? The lessons are the blessings. I’ve never really been the type to hold tightly to material possessions or labels, yet I do have taste. Nor do I hold too tightly to societal benchmarks: my bank account, or even how many roles I’ve booked. My soul did come here to create, to help heal, to love, and to play. This I know for certain to be true.
I’m grateful for the moments of re-calibration. I’m grateful for God/the universe and my path that hasn’t ever really let me get too far gone. So far, my 40s have been quite the homecoming back to myself and who I was before the world got a hold of me. It’s been the most beautiful experience. Some women walk through fire and get burned by it, and I can confidently say I was built by it.
Thank you, younger me, who still kept going, who foolishly made mistakes, but then again, they weren’t mistakes. There is no such thing as a mistake; there is such a thing as lessons that can only be learned in time, and when they’re mastered (ahem), that’s the real win. The “glow-up,” as I guess the kids say. What a privilege to be alive in this timeline, despite the “noise”. What a blessing to be a Virgo, to know myself and love her, and no longer shrink back. I love that I can own my shortcomings and endeavor to do better, at least as a person. There isn’t much I can do about my height; oh well. Jokes aside, I think I’m the perfect height. If I were meant to be taller, I would be. God/the universe/source/the divine/whatever higher power one chooses to believe in is great! It’s the same power that lives in all of us. My other prayer, perhaps above them all, is that humanity begins to recognize that power in each other.
I can’t wait to see how life is about to unfold in the best way possible, and even if it doesn’t look or feel the best, I’m going to make the best of it. A las, a lesson I revisited on another level that my Mama always preaches to me: “Sarita, you have to keep moving forward no matter what life looks like, and make the best of it”. ¡Gracias, mamá Linda, te amo!
