Patterns
What is it about life and human nature that, if we’re merely spectators, we’re inevitably doomed to repeat cycles or patterns that don’t serve us? I looked back at photos over the years this morning, reflecting on all the things I’ve done. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the moments when my life was completely blissful. Mostly, I thought about the things, people, friends, and past lovers that have come and gone. For once, I didn’t allow my emotions to take over, or old thought patterns to linger any longer.
I also didn’t guilt-trip myself too much. Ok, that’s partially true; I can’t even lie to myself. I’m a Virgo; I, of course, thought about moments I perhaps bled onto others. Or the moments I self-sabotaged out of fear or even avoidance. I wondered if I had known then what I know now, would my life have turned out differently? Would some of my relationships (platonic & romantic) have survived? The odd thing about healing or working on yourself is that it often comes with goodbyes. When you’ve lived long enough on this planet, you realize that, one, sometimes it’s necessary, and two, when you learn things for yourself, nothing ever really comes as a shock anymore; you learn to take the hits and keep coming back from more.
This morning, I chose to forgive myself, and I also sent a prayer up to heaven/the universe in hopes that the mistakes I made during my foolish adolescence would be wiped away. Mostly, I hoped that those who were once in my life are happy. That if my parting or my actions left a void or a wound, that it was filled with peace, forgiveness, and gratitude, just as I am for all the lessons they taught me. I’d like to blame it on God/the universe’s cruelty, though I know better. I know that what happens in my life is nothing short of intentional, and it all serves a purpose. Whether it was for growth, expansion, life, or pure coincidence.
I realized it was my own cognitive distortions or old wiring from older versions of me that caused my suffering as a result of attachment. Human nature- what can I say? It happens. My prayer for this upcoming new year of life is that I evolve. That I continue to show up even in my darkest hours when circumstances are out of my control. I don’t know if I’d do anything differently. If I had, I might never have learned otherwise. I realized in that moment that it was all meant to shape me into the person I am today. I am wholeheartedly grateful. Besides, at some point, we can’t blame the trauma anymore. Healing becomes our responsibility, as well as taking ownership and accountability for our lives. Life, as I have learned so far, is always revealing to us who we can become. Leading us back to our soul-childlike self. The self we were before the world got hold of us.
Still, I can’t help but wonder why some patterns take longer to break, or at least in my case. Then again, it is that wondering that tends to keep me stuck. I can only hope that future versions of me continue to break patterns and continue to “defy gravity” with love in my heart. Life is too short to be anything but happy, and in the words of MLK, “Hate is too great a burden to bear”. I can’t do anything about the past, nor can I get overly caught up in the future. I can only ever really enjoy whatever present moment I happen to be in. Ah, the beauty of age and wisdom. It’s taught me that the only purpose of life truly is to just live it, no matter what it looks like, and keep my heart open. May this be the better pattern, I repeat, for the next 40+ years.
Let’s GO, chapter 41, I’m ready for you! Bring it.
