Benito Bowl
I usually pride myself on my ability to communicate; however, I am human, and there are times when it seems words fail me—moments such as this one. I could hardly sleep last night, just reflecting and re-living what Benito gave us on stage. I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of “awe” y eso orgullo Mexicano profounda. Just before bed, I began to cry.
Cry for all the oppression my people and the Latino community have experienced for years in this country. The many who’ve died in custody or at the hands of our government. En el mismo tiempo/at the same time, something shifted for me. I felt free, I felt SEEN. I felt like I no longer had to hide my Mexican heritage. Not that I ever did, but for so long I haven’t practiced my native tongue regularly. Why? Growing up in South Texas, I experienced racism in 3rd grade. I was 8 years old, but my teacher then didn’t let us speak Spanish, and if we did, we got in trouble. I didn’t stay at that school much longer. Even in a predominantly Hispanic/Latino community, many always assumed I was white, or that I was half. I struggled to fit in growing up. I never felt like I fit anywhere. I remember I used to go to the tanning salon in college so people would stop calling me “guera”, I wanted to look Mexican badly because that's who I am. I’ve never desired to be white, and it’s nothing against white people, either, but that’s not who I am. I wish someone had told me at the time that Latinos come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. I thought I was the problem. I recall dating a white guy several years ago who once told me that we would never have a future together because I’m Latina and his parents wouldn’t approve, and I thought I was the problem.
I now realize that I am not the problem. Racism and willful ignorance are the problem. I am who I am, and I no longer care how Mexican I am or how imperfect my Spanish is. After all, it is the language of our colonizers. Before I turned 40, I could feel a sense of return to myself. The me I was before this world told me who it thinks I should be. Pale self and all, I KNOW I’m enough. After “Benito Bowl”, I feel free again. I feel alive, I feel even more proud of where I come from, and I will not shrink myself. It is not my burden to carry if someone cannot handle my honesty or who I am. In a world that is deeply vapid and resorts to unethical, selfish behavior or seeks to manipulate, if my honesty is a threat, then so be it. I am going to still enjoy my life, celebrate who I am, my culture, and other ethnicities too!
Life is WAY too short not to, why not explore and learn other cultures as much as we can, that’s the whole point of life! We are what makes this place so special. Us, each one of us. While my aches at the same time for mi gente/my people, my fellow Americans who are suffering, Gaza, Ukraine, the world, and most recently mi querida Mexico. I will never understand the purpose or intent behind those who seek to do harm or hold hate in their hearts, or why certain folks appear to be above the law, and my country is falling apart, STILL I will always choose love, and hope for a brighter day. Besides, Mom & Dad (RIP), always did say any day above ground is a good one.
