40 hits Different — Sarah Ceballos

40 so far is hitting different…I’m no longer controlled by the things I thought once mattered. I no longer allow my past traumas to get the best of me either. Do they still come up from time to time yes, but I’m better at recognizing when I’m having an ego/trauma response and I’ve gotten better at choosing a healthier one. While I may not get it right every single time, but at least I’m still working on myself and I’m not fixated on what others think. I don’t think I ever was, but my harshest critic was always me, and I still have to work on being better at extending grace to myself, and then of course, toward others. I also no longer feel the need to sweat the small stuff like I used to.

Am I where I always wanted to be? Yes and no. On the one hand, I’m entirely blessed to be able to live in one of the greatest cities in the world, however, I don’t have the “hallmarks” of 40 such as a house, or perhaps two or three forms of passive income, not yet anyway. There is no ring on my finger yet…but I’m ok. I’m happy, I’m full of peace and I’m proud of who I’ve become, and comfortable in this skin.

I had a moment while I was in Rome for my birthday where I was reflecting on all that I have been through, and the tears just began to fall. Grief is a beast of a healing process that no one ever truly prepares you for; really, trauma in general. You can either allow it to control you or you can confront it and actively work to get to the other side of it. Something about that country re-lit a spark inside me that I feared may be gone. That inner “je ne sais quis” that says don’t give up, there is more to life and stay curious, especially after all the moments I thought would take me out. The warmth and hospitality of the Italians, that I feel America is completely void of. The other Americans I met overseas, who seem to share my same sentiment about the direction of our country. The way that I seemed to get free lemon-cello nearly every restaurant I went to. Or how I scored a taxi in Amalfi when taxis are rare and there was a torrential downpour at the time.

I was reminded to slow down, to enjoy the moment. Maybe this is something I ought to be mindful of going forward. 40 years on this planet, wild. I can’t wait to see what the next 40-50 years will bring, all I know is that I’m grateful to be alive, and I can adjust the course of my life any way I see fit.