Times Like These
Remember when back in the day you wanted to scream inside your pillow every morning? Oh right, life never used to be like this and it’s not normal. Almost every morning, I wake with a slight sadness, and I ask myself, how the F am I’m going to get through this? I may not be perfect and there is so much I’ve yet to learn, and on the contrary I do consider myself resilient. People have called me strong, but there was also that nine year old little girl who lost a parental figure that didn’t have much of a choice. If that wasn’t hard enough, life inevitably threw me other obstacles in my early twenties. Some obstacles I allowed out of my unhealed places and boundaries I perhaps lacked. As I near the end of my 30s, I realize it all had to happen the way that I did. The set backs, the heartaches, the betrayals and disappointments. I remember being younger and thinking, “Wow, 40 that sounds old, and it’s so for away”. For me, its feels like tomorrow. That’s the thing about being younger and viewing the world through a different, more naive lens. At the time, I never truly thought that far into the future, and the future I once thought of, looks nothing like my present reality. I had a moment on the subway on my way home the other night when I thought to myself, “Well this is not how I thought my life would turn out. The world is imploding and I may be out of a job now that there have been cuts to The Department of Education”, and that’s when it hit me…stay in this moment. I believe, this is what my therapist would call a breakthrough, because as I was tempted to spiral and did for a minute. I also thought “But what if it’s somehow working for my favor?” What if I could just trust God/the universe/the divine that I’m where supposed to be?
I decided I would take myself to brunch over the weekend and take it easy and see how my Saturday would unfold because for once I did not have plans which never happens. I’m either running errands that I missed during the week, or I’m catching up on workouts, sleep or most of the time both which leaves very little time for a social life . After brunch, I stopped by Fountain Bookshop to find a good read to draw inspiration for my next film. Naturally, I found a book about the unlikeliest of friends becoming family during 1930s Germany/Facism, and how this family of unlikely friends made their way to New York. I couldn’t wait to read my new book, plus I wanted to ground myself in nature, and the closest I have to that without hopping on a train or renting a car is my backyard, otherwise known as Fort Tryon Park, it’s a lovely park. I’m obsessed with our garden and the overlook point that looks out to the Jersey palisades and the GWB.
There I was reading this lovely story, when I had to stop reading because it reminded me too much of today. I immediately thought to myself, “Ok time to pause, let’s revisit after we take a walk”. Before I stood up and gathered my things, I took a deep breath, and y’all when I tell you that God/the universe knows all and sees all, I am NOT kidding, because my next thought was, “God how can I keep on keepin’ on? I know you brought me here for a reason, how can I keep fighting the good fight? I need a sign. Maybe I’ll see a cardinal today. In fact I really hope I see one today”. I took a deep breathe, let it go, gathered my things and started observing the recently planted flowers, and snapping pictures because I’m also obsessed with photography and that’s when I saw it…the Cardinal I had wished for. For those who believe in signs, this bird represents hope. It also can represent a deceased loved one who’s saying hello. They’re so regal to me! I bet they never question themselves, they just exist in all their glory. I couldn’t believe it. Deep down, there was a part of me that thought, ok who heard me? But that’s how much God/the universe/whatever higher power one believes in listens to us and knows when we need something and FAST! Although, if you’re spiritual, you also know the universe also likes to test our patience and has a sense of humor because there are other times I’ve asked for signs or answers and prayed for things, that seem to never come. They come when we’re just living life, not caught up in the coulda, woulda, shouldas of life, and they come when we least expect it. This time around, I noticed I made my wish, released it and didn’t care about when it came. I didn’t need it to come right away, I just trusted. There is also the other part, signs come when we’re truly ready. Mostly, I’m learning to be happy now. I know I’ve blogged about this before, but those times before aren’t quite like these where democracy is on the brink of extinction, at least in this country.
So there I was, I got up, I rolled my shoulders back, and had my hair been down I would have done a slight hair flip. I felt that sense of excitement coming back, that sense of hope that I can get through this all. I can’t wait to write my next film, its going to be good. I don’t get anything out of creating things, except well, maybe debt haha. Oh the debt, art gives life and yet all the jobs that seem to suck it out of you are the ones that pay, meanwhile folks like me sometimes wonder, “Will I make rent this month?” I’ve always managed to pull it together, but I have to laugh about how funny life is sometimes. Jokes aside, I really can’t wait to put goodness into the world again. There’s just something about making art that really energizes me, plus it’s my purpose. Artists exist to reflect back to humanity who we can become, and well I hope someday we get back to loving each other and stop the fighting, stop the hatred. That’s not who we are nor is it why we exist.
We exist to connect, to build, to protect and mostly we exist to keep advancing this world forward for future generations to come. In spite of everything, I have so much hope and faith and while the world is incredibly messy, I am not giving up on it, and I still think it’s worth fighting for. Lord Jesus, the white light, God, angels. Lord Ganesh (I love him, I think he’s so mystical), and all the positive powers that be, please help me get through this next endeavor and I pray that my next film blesses someone, mostly I hope it inspires, uplifts, but mostly may it inspire others to keep going.
Timing is everything and the older, ahem wiser I get the more I trust my journey, and more importantly the more I trust God, the universe and myself to be who I truly am. I guess that is the beauty of getting older and your perspective changing and how things had to happen the way they did so I could learn and come up higher and show up for myself, this world, and others in a moment such as this one. I’m happy to be alive! I’m thankful for the roof over my head, the food in my belly and in my pantry, running water, and the air in my lungs, living in the best city in the world and right now there’s no where else I’d rather be. I only WISH I could share what I have with people in Gaza and the Ukraine. Besides Mom and my Dad (RIP) always said, “That any day above ground is a good one!” Leave it to morticians to find the humor in the morbid, but hey they weren’t wrong. God bless them for always teaching me to laugh or making the best out of nothing, even in dire circumstances.
Funny business, when you let God/the universe/whatever higher power you believe in to take control, life just goes a lot better. I mean, I’ve always heard that but I didn’t believe that until today. Just when I thought about throwing in the towel on this whole comedic journey (because it is extremely hard), a booker for a comedy club here in NYC reached out to me “and just like that” your gal has booked her next gig!
I love NYC, its brought out the very best in me, and I feel so loved, and so supported here. I never knew a life like this could exist. It almost feels wrong to be happy in times like these, but then again, in the words of the great Dave Grohl, “Its times like these you learn to live again. it’s times like these you give and give again. It’s times like these you learn to love again”.
