Actor Life Now
What is it about turning 40 that I finally feel like I can be the person I’ve always been? I feel like my child-like self before the world got a hold of me, yet wiser. It’s that time of the year again when actors update their materials in hopes of getting the next audition, booking the role, or marketing for a new agent/manager, or perhaps they’re networking with the Casting Directors they need to work with. Which can only mean one thing: new headshots.
This time it was different. I felt different. I showed up to the studio, knowing exactly what I wanted, what I needed, how I wanted to look, the “vibe” I was going for, and how I needed my essence to come through. The me that I’ve worked so hard to become. For the first time in my life, I saw the person staring back at me in my headshots, and I did not recognize her. I can see the growth in my headshots. I can see “the work”, I can see how much more comfortable in my skin I feel. I do not care to apologize for being confident & for being who I always knew I could be. I don’t know if it’s the city or staying consistent with my healing journey, but my god, I look absolutely stunning in these headshots. And, I KNOW who I am as an actor. I look back at baby actor me headshots, and I’m like, "Mira que linda. She was playing a role of who she thought she was supposed to be.” And yet, I’m still learning to extend grace to the younger, naive parts of me that didn’t know better.
I also thought to myself, "Wow. It’s like I needed to find me first as a human (or re-discover that) before I found myself as an artist.” It’s interesting, child actors quit the business as adults, or some adults quit their “real jobs” to focus on acting later in life, and I think that’s my favorite part. You can really do it at any age & I love hearing people’s stories that led them to chase their passions. Really, that’s what brings so many to NYC, all searching for more. I can recall coming to the city, and it must have been day two of Adler training, when they said to us, “Growth as a human is synonymous with growth as an actor.” Words that have served me since. Or another one of my favorites, although it can equally annoy me, is “Do all the work, and then throw it away.” It’s only now that I understand it. Younger actor me would always think, “Wtf does that mean? OK, I guess…” Now, I no longer second-guess. I also view “the work” as doing your part to just be a better human. To love yourself even the “not so great” parts
On the contrary…I also can’t help but feel guilty, or like I’m wrong, for being happy when I see society crumbling before my very eyes. Then again, I’m a millennial, and I don’t know anything else but a world on fire. How did I manage to survive then? I couldn’t tell you. I’m not sure how I’m coping now? Oh yeah therapy & sitting with whatever I feel & not over indulging in anything not healthy for me. When did I grow up? Not everyone is as lucky, innocent lives are dying at the hands of corporate greed and capitalism. Where is our government, which is supposed to serve & protect? No healthcare, no money to feed the poor, the sick, and the children, yet I’m somehow still carrying on. Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m out of time, or that I may not get to do this again. Mostly, I have never wanted to be an artist more than I do now. I have to do something to ease the pain. Artists make art to remind the world of how much better it can be.
There was a moment during my shoot when my photographer asked me, “What’s your favorite role that you’ve played so far?” I didn’t know what to say, no one had ever asked me that before (guess I gotta get used to these kinds of questions, I mean is this what it’s like to be Meryl?) so I said, "Usually I like to play the messy roles. I can identify with the people that are hurting, or have more to them beyond what meets the surface." I also said, “Lately, it’s comedy I enjoy considering what’s going on in the world.” Finally, I concluded with, “I don’t think I’ve played my best one yet; it’s still to come.”
That’s when it hit me this evening: I think my favorite role is getting to be me. What a privilege, I get to be alive today. I get to have a roof over my head, and I was able to afford new headshots even as the cost of living goes up, and I don’t know how. I don’t even know what tomorrow holds, but at least I did something toward acting today, by normal “actor” or “industry” measures. But then I realized I wasn’t giving myself credit for all the work I have done. I’m always working. Whether it was putting something healthy into my body or saying no to things because I needed to rest. Or maybe the role is staying off social media to maintain my mental health. Mostly, I think maybe the role of a lifetime is just finding the courage to be you. I don’t know if acting chose me or I chose it, but being an actor has given me SO much, and I am grateful, no matter how the dream “should” look I am just enjoying the ride.
