Embrace the Mess
Life, what can I say? Just when I think I know something, it turns out that I know nothing. I have my Ph.D., and for that I consider myself incredibly blessed. My education is something no one can take from me and I consider it my purpose to enlighten others. Yet the more I continue to learn and explore the world and my own inner world, the more I realize how little I know about it. While I own my truth, areas of opportunity/imperfections, stand in my light and resilience, I still always think how can I improve? It all starts with me. How can I show up better, how I can work on me and allow myself to be present with others? How can I continue to be a “good sport” when the world is spinning madly on?
It never ceases to amaze me how little of control I am. I also don’t need to be in control all the time, its exhausting, but naturally when you’re still adjusting to living life beyond survival mode, you may find yourself wanting to shrink back or resort to old coping mechanisms. For me, I learned this week, that when everything around me (the world, my jobs, other people) the only thing I can ever really be in control of is myself. If only I “got it right” every single time, in every single situation of how to respond better, wouldn’t I just be that much greater than I already am?
I GET TO, feel. I get to learn about others, and that is the best part. I love learning about other cultures, and languages, and I look at the world around me usually and think wow, how amazing is this? God/the universe or, taking spirituality out of it, someone is that talented they created this. Just last month, I was in Italy, marveling at the Colosseum and I still can’t believe something that is thousands of years old is still standing. Which brings me to this, in life, there are inevitable moments that we often think we cannot survive. How am I going to keep going? I can’t bother to make it through the day, what if things never change? How am I going to make rent? This past week I was reminded of all the times I thought I was never going to survive and yet did.
I lost a co-worker this past week, a dear one. A soul so rare, so kind and loving that often lacks in this cruel world, but dedicated their lives to improving the lives of others. I will never be the same. My Dear Patrick, I wish you knew how much we all adored you. How much I enjoyed coming to work and seeing your friendly face, and you always asking me, “Where’s your next trip Sarah? How’s the film going? When are you going home to Texas?” it may not ever have taken that much effort from you but it meant the world to me that you genuinely took interest in me, and were always present at work. These days, that is something so hard to find. I loved hearing stories about your recently born grand-daughter. I am still in shock and truly wrecked because I don’t understand how this happened. We were just laughing together and being silly with our fellow co-workers on the way up to the Bronx and took pictures together. And just like that…you were gone. Somehow I knew this was coming, still I thought to myself, “God, I hope he’s blessed with many more years”. While this isn’t the answer to my prayer, I trust that this was God’s way of fulfilling it. Why do people say, “At least they’re no longer suffering”, when it’s us who suffer without them? Wherever you are Patrick, I know you’re absolutely making that world better for those around you, just as you did for us. I will miss you my friend, thank you for teaching me how the simple act of a genuine, “Hi, how are you? Good to see you!” can greatly impact someone’s life.
As tempted as I was to revert back to old ways of coping with grief and loss, I chose not to. I no longer live there. I just wanted to comfort myself the only way I can and be present with myself no matter what that looks like, and fill my weekend and the days to come with what’s going to provide me with the most joy, and do that. I had a moment today where I was proud of myself, and how far I’ve come. Instead of running from my pain, I chose to embrace the mess. I usually do. I wonder what would change if we took a moment to confront our problems instead of running from them. If we looked inside and realized that most of the answers we seek come from within and not in the external validation of others.
Perhaps this is the purpose of death, to remind us of what’s importance and how much better we can be as a human race and its never too late to begin again or tell someone how much they mean to you, because in one moment, they could be gone. I’ve known this since I was nine years old but its only now that I have a true understanding of it. Its taken me years to sit with all of my pain and to experience bliss beyond my wildest imagination and its beautiful.
I don’t know who I’m writing this for, but I hope you find the courage to embrace the mess, to get dirty, to make mistakes and trust that it’s all guiding you to somewhere or into someone better. Trust that ultimately, it’s guiding you back home to yourself.
